Help For Marriage – Finding The Core Problem

If you are buying into the myth of the “perfect marriage”, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. All marriages have good aspects and bad, there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to marriage. Since you are reading this and looking for help for marriage advice, then I am sure you are not reading for entertainment purposes, but instead you are looking for real solutions.

One of the best ways I have learned to have a fulfilling marriage is to find the core problems that exist between you and your spouse and work on resolving them. Small problems, disagreements, arguments and fights can happen frequently if you are not in a fulfilling marriage. But these small problems are very rarely the issue, in fact most of the time they are connected to a small handful of core problems that go on unresolved because they are hidden away and because the focus is on the minor issues.

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These small problems can be looked at as the tip of the iceberg and lurking just below the surface is an object of massive proportions. What’s under the surface and rarely seen, is the core problem. Fighting over these small problems is not only painful for both parties but it is counterproductive to finding a true solution. Arguing about small problems and trying to find a solution, is like trying to cut down a tree by chopping at the leaves instead of hacking away at the trunk.

This is where communication between the two of you is very important. You need to both come together and do your best to explore and understand the smaller problems and connect them to one that is much larger, the core problem.

For instance, a wife may be getting angry at her husband because he watches too much television when he comes home from work. She nags and drives him crazy every day, sometimes calling him a “pig” pointing out the growing bulge of fat around his stomach to make him feel bad. He gets really upset by this and cannot understand why she doesn’t “get” that he has been working hard all day to put a roof over her head, and pay the bills,  and that he just wants to relax. The fight continually over this problem every day. It may seem like in this scenario that the wife is the villain but in fact she may not be at all.

If the couple both explore this issue deeper, they may find out that the wife actually does want her husband to relax after a hard days work but she also wants some attention, to feel loved, and significant. But when the husband comes home from work and heads straight to the television, she doesn’t feel this way. This is the core problem, not the fighting over her husband being a fat lazy pig.

Once you become aware of the “real” problem then both parties can come together and work out a solution so that the husband gets to relax after work and the wife gets attention, love and significance. It could be as simple as spending 30 minutes of together time, when the husband comes home from work and then he can relax in front of the television or even better, find a way to relax together.

Core problems are usually on issues such as trust, security, love, and significance. They can also be unique to the relationship so you need to do a bit of digging together. The aim is to get creative and look beyond the nagging, the fighting and the hassling and discover what are the real reasons are behind these small problems.

Discovering the core problem is the ultimate way to find true help for marriage that is heading into crisis. Sit down with your partner today, put on your creative hats, and explore some recurring problems using this new approach. You may be pleasantly surprised at what is revealed and what solutions can rectify the situation.

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